Down with the sickness

Upon arriving to Dunkin Donuts (you know, the place that puts poison in your choice of a box, bag, or cup and has a terribly generic/no-frills looking color scheme) I decided to order the bacon lover's supreme breakfast sandwich due to the fact that time was of the essence that night. Not only is this sandwich served with a slice of some American cheese imposter, but it also features some type of souped up genetically engineered *pepper bacon as well. Minutes after finishing this delectable treat, I found my throat to be very sore. "Musta went down the wrong pipe" I assured myself......WRONG. How could it have?! I made sure to saturate the thing in ketchup, guarunteeing me that I would be able to keep this gourmet dish down because somehow there was a lot of doubt as to whether a refund would be given for regurgitated food. Now, more than 24 hours later, my throat is very soar and my nose is runny. Much to my delight, I also recieved what I thought was a mosquito bite a few days ago. Naturally it was met with my fingernail and it got the concave X treatment. Even with my keen eyesight and the fact that a mosquito looking thing was zipping around my car's interior shortly before my bite appeared, I was WRONG again! There is now a 1"x1" area on my right forearm covered in tiny blisters and calamine lotion which when dried looks like the cracked mud of death valley.

Where's that home remedy book commercial from 1989 when you need it?! Did anyone ever cure their toothache by massaging their palm with ice? Maybe I should just go with the Life-Call so I can summon an ambulance, my next door neighbor, my family and my doctor without picking up a telephone.