pepper bacon:

Bacon Cured with Water, Salt, Sugar, Smoke Flavoring, Sodium Phosphate, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite, Bellies Coated with a Mixture of Ground Black Pepper

My "Bacon Lover's Supreme Breakfast Sandwich" not only gave me a sweet cold that I am still battling, but also provided 640 calories, 95% of my daily allowance of saturated fat, and 93% of my cholesterol allowance all based on a 2,000 calorie intake. I guess it wouldn't be that bad had I taken in an additional 5,000 calories or so from healthy food that nite. You've been warned!

Down with the sickness

Upon arriving to Dunkin Donuts (you know, the place that puts poison in your choice of a box, bag, or cup and has a terribly generic/no-frills looking color scheme) I decided to order the bacon lover's supreme breakfast sandwich due to the fact that time was of the essence that night. Not only is this sandwich served with a slice of some American cheese imposter, but it also features some type of souped up genetically engineered *pepper bacon as well. Minutes after finishing this delectable treat, I found my throat to be very sore. "Musta went down the wrong pipe" I assured myself......WRONG. How could it have?! I made sure to saturate the thing in ketchup, guarunteeing me that I would be able to keep this gourmet dish down because somehow there was a lot of doubt as to whether a refund would be given for regurgitated food. Now, more than 24 hours later, my throat is very soar and my nose is runny. Much to my delight, I also recieved what I thought was a mosquito bite a few days ago. Naturally it was met with my fingernail and it got the concave X treatment. Even with my keen eyesight and the fact that a mosquito looking thing was zipping around my car's interior shortly before my bite appeared, I was WRONG again! There is now a 1"x1" area on my right forearm covered in tiny blisters and calamine lotion which when dried looks like the cracked mud of death valley.

Where's that home remedy book commercial from 1989 when you need it?! Did anyone ever cure their toothache by massaging their palm with ice? Maybe I should just go with the Life-Call so I can summon an ambulance, my next door neighbor, my family and my doctor without picking up a telephone.

Does your dog dookie with the devil by the pale moon light?

Who cares, mine does. It stinks but not nearly as foul as his breath. The puppy breath he once had as a young lad is now more like a half eaten fishstick with 9 day old room temperature tartar sauce, served on a bed of boiled hot dogs and rotten cabbage. To top it all off, I am still receiving Sports Illustrated Latino addressed to "Ice Man". It's semi-offensive because I think that I would consider myself to be more of a Maverick type.

Lemonade and brownies

They say when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Well I say that when life gives you sour milk, you pour it down the drain and choke down the dry ass cookies you were eating then put the milk back in the fridge for someone else to find out the hard way even though nobody else in the house drinks milk and you should have a goddamn refrigerator of your own and the mini one you have that your father uses to keep beer cold in the screenhouse doesn't count!