Sometimes you clip your fingernails with a spider on your waist, a pitbull at your feet, and a snarling member of the oppostite sex on the phone all while "Take a load off Annie" reverberates off of the cookware you don't use, claps of thunder fizzle your eardrum like alka-seltzer and lightning sears your cornea.

The postman always rings twice* and bill collectors never call on Sunday.

*Except today because who really wants to deliver express mail on a sunday to people who aren't home, don't want to be bothered, or didn't know that any mail came on Sunday anyway.

They say time heals all wounds.

But they didn't say how much time!

Spectrum

I'm startin' to stop wishing I could just die in some instant fashion. These hills seem to get steeper and steeper; the climbs take longer but there is a higher peak. The valleys, however, are below sea level.

My boots are so worn that I feel everything along the way.

Get on a plane, boat, or hang glider and go east around the world until you're in Jersey again and then go back the way you came. You smell me?? Put a wire strainer over your face, grab a candy cane and fence a meerkat while you're at it. Shatter everything and everyone around you, shuffle the pieces, rinse and repeat. Pin the throttle and dump the clutch. Wu-Tang!

Everyone's an expert.

My mother mentioned that I should take some of my grandmother's medication. My brother tells me I should be on ritalin. My sister says I must be on acid for telling her to do some. Am I that much of a mess?!

Useless filler

me: yerrrrrr
sis: is that pirate for hi?
me: yeah
me: thats how the ghetto pirates say hi
sis: interesting
me: and policemen who mock them too
sis: how do they say "i'll cut you"
me: "leeme show you somethin'"
sis: LOL