Obsessed

soundtrack that is

Some read left to write and others read top to bottom

bad –adjective 1. not good in any manner or degree.
dream –noun 1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.

things tell ya things (allegedly)

Yes they are real.

Burials and birthdays

Last week marked the loss of one of my great old friends and the birthdays of a few old and new. My late buddy Donny coincidentally shares a birthday with my brother and shared admiration for the same local sports teams as my buddy Doug who has the same first name of a late great uncle who I was very fond of. It should be noted that Doug's partner Alex (another bud of mine) has a stout young Pitbull who goes by the name Buddy which is all my sister and I ever called my late grandfather.
Don, I'll do my best not to be a w.o.p. from now on.....

...2 evils

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

The big one one

Happy birthday once again to my best friend Diablo. He has aquired many things in his 11 years on this earth including arthritis in his hind legs and cataracts in both eyes.

no air

wah wah waaah

If there's one thing I'm good at besides making poor decisions, it procrastinating. Sometimes we justify such behavior with "reasons" but they are really just excuses. Hopefully you will think before you do so again:

I have a cold, my dog who I never call by his real name is staring me down, it's the middle of the night, I'm not home, my job is increasingly more and more like a bloody B-movie, I Am Legend was worth watching, I wish it was Easter, shaving sucks yet I do it anyway, and my thoughts sound like they are being announced on a shitty department store pa system.

Clams on the halfshell, and rollerskates

Long time no blog, or however the saying goes. I would love to say that the time gap between posts was due to my research of how crazy foxes really are, but that's not the case. Another thing yet to be determined is what "knocked out cold turkey" means. The good things in life still remain the same. You know, driving under a bridge as a train is traveling overhead and watching that strand of hair which managed to separate from the rest of the bun sway in the breeze.

Sir, sir your legs are on fire!

"Cause I'm cool like that."

pepper bacon:

Bacon Cured with Water, Salt, Sugar, Smoke Flavoring, Sodium Phosphate, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite, Bellies Coated with a Mixture of Ground Black Pepper

My "Bacon Lover's Supreme Breakfast Sandwich" not only gave me a sweet cold that I am still battling, but also provided 640 calories, 95% of my daily allowance of saturated fat, and 93% of my cholesterol allowance all based on a 2,000 calorie intake. I guess it wouldn't be that bad had I taken in an additional 5,000 calories or so from healthy food that nite. You've been warned!

Down with the sickness

Upon arriving to Dunkin Donuts (you know, the place that puts poison in your choice of a box, bag, or cup and has a terribly generic/no-frills looking color scheme) I decided to order the bacon lover's supreme breakfast sandwich due to the fact that time was of the essence that night. Not only is this sandwich served with a slice of some American cheese imposter, but it also features some type of souped up genetically engineered *pepper bacon as well. Minutes after finishing this delectable treat, I found my throat to be very sore. "Musta went down the wrong pipe" I assured myself......WRONG. How could it have?! I made sure to saturate the thing in ketchup, guarunteeing me that I would be able to keep this gourmet dish down because somehow there was a lot of doubt as to whether a refund would be given for regurgitated food. Now, more than 24 hours later, my throat is very soar and my nose is runny. Much to my delight, I also recieved what I thought was a mosquito bite a few days ago. Naturally it was met with my fingernail and it got the concave X treatment. Even with my keen eyesight and the fact that a mosquito looking thing was zipping around my car's interior shortly before my bite appeared, I was WRONG again! There is now a 1"x1" area on my right forearm covered in tiny blisters and calamine lotion which when dried looks like the cracked mud of death valley.

Where's that home remedy book commercial from 1989 when you need it?! Did anyone ever cure their toothache by massaging their palm with ice? Maybe I should just go with the Life-Call so I can summon an ambulance, my next door neighbor, my family and my doctor without picking up a telephone.

Does your dog dookie with the devil by the pale moon light?

Who cares, mine does. It stinks but not nearly as foul as his breath. The puppy breath he once had as a young lad is now more like a half eaten fishstick with 9 day old room temperature tartar sauce, served on a bed of boiled hot dogs and rotten cabbage. To top it all off, I am still receiving Sports Illustrated Latino addressed to "Ice Man". It's semi-offensive because I think that I would consider myself to be more of a Maverick type.

Lemonade and brownies

They say when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Well I say that when life gives you sour milk, you pour it down the drain and choke down the dry ass cookies you were eating then put the milk back in the fridge for someone else to find out the hard way even though nobody else in the house drinks milk and you should have a goddamn refrigerator of your own and the mini one you have that your father uses to keep beer cold in the screenhouse doesn't count!

Sometimes you clip your fingernails with a spider on your waist, a pitbull at your feet, and a snarling member of the oppostite sex on the phone all while "Take a load off Annie" reverberates off of the cookware you don't use, claps of thunder fizzle your eardrum like alka-seltzer and lightning sears your cornea.

The postman always rings twice* and bill collectors never call on Sunday.

*Except today because who really wants to deliver express mail on a sunday to people who aren't home, don't want to be bothered, or didn't know that any mail came on Sunday anyway.